misfit queen

 

I was never at ease at any point of my life.Never painted a picture of confident me. I dont know what others make out of me.But self assessment put me in a very bad band.

I’m not clever enough

I’m never ever good enough

I was never ever acceptable,far far cry from being pretty pretty.

I was never able to carry myself in public easily.

And the list go on and on.

 

Those are the mega negative connotation or self destructive conclusion I made of myself.I should have re write those affirmations only in black leaving those red words.Those negative words.

And I know the reasons why I had that lowly opinion of myself.My family and the surroundings that I grew up. And bigger still,I was always made to believe that I am not that  and not this.

Sometimes I feel a tad jealous of people who could assimilate well in any circumstances.

Kata pepatah melayu: Jatuh ke laut menjadi pulau.

These people dont hold any important post,didnt have any high education but yet they are at ease with themselves.They can carry themselves well in any circumstances.When they talk,they put this air of being knowledgeable.

But with me : self destructive evaluation of myself made me cringe in the presence of others ….until one day:

I was given the task to present a paper at a course.Do or die.For days I was at wits end.Matilah saya .I had that notion of gasping for oxygen,falling from the rostrum,the kain falling from my waist and all those earth swallowing tragedies.And having that lost moments.And having the predomination that I would go dumb.

The ministry demanded that those who went for courses come back and present their stuff. But the day I presented that hour long lesson to the teachers of Perlis was the starting point.I realised that if prepared,I dont die in lecture rooms. I didnt even faint out.

So the lady who fidgeted at all times and who would prefer to be a flower pot found her voice and her poise.

And I was wondering where my turning point was when I retired a headmistress of a cluster school.That was like an unbelievable feat.

As for my children,I prepared them so that they wont end up being like me. They were given every encouragement in any field they like to excel except those that would be detrimental to their education.

And today I read in NST, a school for grooming would soon be opened.  For sure this finishing school would only be accessible to the rich and famous.To polish their children self confidence.

But as mothers,there are plenty of things that could be done to help the children develop their social skills.

or maybe this sticker below could be stuck on the forehead.hehe.